


frozen yogurt is disgusting, thus says the mighty gay god Sirius Black

by itsmyusualday



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Baby Harry Potter, Babysitting, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Gen, Godfather Sirius Black, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Ice Cream, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Not Beta Read, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black as Padfoot, Sirius Black's Flying Motorbike, Speciesism, Young Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 06:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14710742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualday/pseuds/itsmyusualday
Summary: AKA Remus doesn't get any chocolate ice creamAKA Sirius can and will shift to Padfoot if he feels like itAKA Sirius can and would love to punch Remus' interviewers in their goddamn faces (or come up with a business idea just so Remus can have a job)AKA Highly illogical modernish au with magic that makes no sense but pleases meSirius babysits, Remus is having trouble with his job (in that he has none), and Lily has disgusting taste in frozen treats but Harry still likes it for some reason (he's been cruelly mistreated, Sirius shall have to steal him away)





	frozen yogurt is disgusting, thus says the mighty gay god Sirius Black

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored and didn't have internet for a few hours so I wrote this.
> 
> My girlfriend ordered me to post it so it's her fault I'm inflicting this upon your poor minds. Blame her.

The front door slammed and a slender woman stepped off the porch, brushing fiery red hair off her shoulder. "All good here, Sirius?" she asked, stopping by a man sprawled in the grass on the front lawn.  It was almost dusk, but there was still a bit of sunlight peeking over the horizon.

"Oh, it's great," he said, bouncing the toddler that was seated on his chest.  "You just go have fun on your date. Stay out as late as you want.”

"Mm-hmm," she hummed in agreement. She crouched and tickled the baby's chin, smiling at him. "Are you going to have fun, Harry? Don't get into trouble. Don't let  _ Sirius _ get into trouble."

"I would never," said Sirius in mock offense.  Harry giggled and smacked him in the chest with his chubby hands. "I can't believe you would think such a thing of me, Lily."

She laughed and stood up. "Is Remus coming by?"

"I asked him when I left the apartment." Sirius shrugged. "He said he'd try. He's got a lot of papers to work on. I'll call later or something.”

The door slammed again and a tall man with round spectacles trotted over to them, handing Lily a red purse. "Your highness," he beamed. "Are you ready to go?"

"I was waiting on you, James," she reminded him.

He grinned and ruffled Harry's wild black curls that matched his own messy hair. "Bye, son," he said, and jogged toward the car. " _ I'm _ waiting on  _ you _ now!" he called over his shoulder.

Lily scoffed and went after him. "Don't forget to feed him!" she told Sirius as she slid into the passenger seat. "And check his diaper! And –"  She was cut off as James slammed the door. He gave Sirius a thumbs up, then hopped into the driver's seat and peeled out of the driveway, neatly avoiding Sirius' motorcycle. Harry flapped both hands after them until they were out of sight.

"We're all alone," Sirius cackled. He tickled Harry, who screamed happily at him, parents immediately forgotten. "What shall we do now, my little minion?"

"Snack!" said Harry, bouncing on Sirius' chest.

"You just ate dinner and you want a snack?" Sirius asked in disbelief. He wheezed when one particularly joyous spring punched the air from his lungs.  “Merlin, you're heavy. However, snacking is a specialty of mine. We must be related.”

“Uncle,” Harry agreed, drooling on his godfather's shirt.

“Gross,” said Sirius. “What do you want for a snack? Crackers?”

“Cream,” Harry announced.

“That sounds great!” Sirius nodded. “I've always wondered what it would feel like to be strangled by your mother. If I give you ice cream without her permission, I'm going to find out.”

Harry beamed. “Cream,” he said again.

“Ugh, fine,” said Sirius. He climbed to his feet and hauled the toddler to his hip. “You're a menace,” he said. Harry bobbed his head, willing to agree as long as it meant sweets.

Sirius' phone rang just as they got to the kitchen. Harry squirmed on his hip, and Sirius let him down to grab the device from his back pocket.  Harry promptly took off toward the fridge. “Hey Moony,” he greeted, trailing after the toddler.

“Sirius,” Remus said. “Have James and Lily left yet?”

“Yep, they just pulled out.” Sirius stopped behind Harry and watched the toddler as he hauled the fridge door open and began perusing the contents, hands on his hips. “Are you coming over or still working?”

“I guess,” Remus sighed. “I had a few more applications to fill out, but I'll save them for later.”

“Gotten any callbacks?” Sirius took a jar of pickles from Harry and put them back on the shelf. Harry huffed and dug through the cheese drawer.

“A few. Not good, of course.”

“Well, come on over. Harry will cheer you up. Won't you, kiddo?”

Harry said something incoherent while grabbing a carton of eggs, them immediately tore away, his short legs pumping frantically. Sirius caught him before he got to the dining room. “No, we don't eat raw eggs,” he reproved, putting that back as well. “Keep looking.”

“Egg,” said Harry, scowling.

“No eggs,” Sirius insisted.

Harry glared at him and Sirius choked back a laugh at the stubborn look on his face. Remus, hearing the conversation through the phone, didn't even try, and Sirius could hear him chuckling on the other end.

“I'm on my way,” Remus said. Paper rustled. “I'll be there in a few.”

“Do you want ice cream?”

“I don't care?”

“Good. We're waiting for uncle Remus,” Sirius said to Harry, grabbing him and hauling him into the living room.

Harry screeched in protest, but after Sirius hauled his blocks out from their box, he temporarily lost interest in snacks and began clacking the pieces together. Sirius said a goodbye to Remus and hung up before he got an answer. He tossed the phone onto the couch then dropped down next to Harry to help him build a tower.

The tower was successfully built, toppled, and rebuilt again by the time Remus pulled up outside. The glare from the headlights flashed briefly across the curtains. There was a beep as his car locked, then the front door opened and Remus stepped inside.

“Moony!” Harry screamed, and threw himself at the werewolf. Remus caught him and laughed. “Hey Harry, what are you doing?”

“Tower,” Harry said, pointing at the pile of blocks.  Sirius grinned up at them both and casually stretched a leg out, knocking it over. “Want to help us build a tower?” he asked.

“Cream,” Harry forcefully reminded Sirius. “Snack. Now.”

“Wow, okay,” Sirius said, hands in the air defensively. “Sorry, majesty. I'll get right on that.”

Remus set Harry down and prodded him toward his blocks. “Let's pick these up first,” he suggested, and knelt to help put them away. Sirius climbed to his feet and headed to the kitchen, getting out a tub of ice cream. “Do you actually want ice cream, Remus?” he called into the living room.

“Is it chocolate?” came the typical query.

“No, it's...” Sirius squinted at it. “Organic raspberry tropical frozen yogurt? What the hell is this? Harry, why is your mother so weird?”

“Cream,” Harry repeated, throwing a block into the box and watching in satisfaction as it clacked loudly.

“Gross,” Sirius said.

“No thanks,” Remus told him.

“Yeah, I thought so.” Sirius dumped a generous scoop into a bowl, then tossed the tub back into the freezer and going back to the living room. “Here's your disgusting snack,” he told Harry, offering it to him.

“Yum!” Harry smacked the bowl down on the coffee table and began devouring it with the spoon Sirius handed to him.

“That looks...interesting,” Remus observed, taking in the chunks and swirls of raspberry. Harry apparently loved it, slurping madly at his spoon.

“Lily's health spree is getting out of hand,” Sirius mourned, dropping to the couch beside Remus and propping his feet up on the coffee table.

“Shoes, no,” Harry said in disapproval, a blob of the frozen yogurt escaping from his mouth. He absentmindedly slapped Sirius' motorcycle boots and Sirius dropped his feet back to the floor with a deep sigh.

“Who even are you?” Sirius shook his head sadly. “Manners? Healthy food? You've been corrupted. I don't think I can associate with you anymore.”

Harry ignored him and Remus snorted, dropping the last block into the box and climbing to the couch beside Sirius. “I don't think he cares,” he informed Sirius.

“Betrayal,” Sirius said halfheartedly. He smirked at Remus, then, “Hey kiddo, a real adult is here now. Want to have Padfoot?”

“Yes,” Harry approved.

“Sirius, no,” Remus reprimanded, but it was too late. There was a twist of air and then a massive black dog was sitting in Sirius' place, grinning toothily at Remus.  “Ugh. Stop doing this,” Remus groaned.

“Pads!” Harry cheered. He jumped up briefly to give the shaggy dog a hug, dribbling mushed raspberry onto him, then went back to his ice cream.  Sirius sneezed, then sprawled out across Remus' lap, panting loudly as he cocked his head to stare innocently at Remus.

“You're still babysitting,” Remus said, but when Sirius headbutted him, he scratched behind the big ears with a sigh. “Brat.”

“Wanna movie,” Harry said, slurping up the rest of his snack.

“Go put your bowl in the sink,” Remus told him. “Then, maybe.”

_ See? You're better at this _ , Remus could clearly read the expression on Sirius' face, but he shook his head. “Sure, and who did they actually ask to watch him?”

Sirius' mouth fell open in a grin and he panted louder, thumping his tail on the couch.

“You're getting hair on the couch. I'm not going to stop Lily if she decides to spell you bald.”

“Movie!” said Harry, toddling back into the room, his task of delivering the dirty bowl to the sink now complete.  Sirius leaped from the couch and bounded around Harry while he picked out a DVD case from the shelf under the television.

“Are you sure?” Remus asked doubtfully when Harry handed him a case with bright pink colors and dolls prancing across the cover. Sirius barked, displeased, and Remus rolled his eyes at him. “I meant because it's an hour long. Will he even pay attention for that long?”

“I like dolls,” Harry informed him, very seriously. Remus nodded back, just as seriously. “Of course.”

Sirius barked again, his fiercely wagging tail evidence of the joke he dearly wanted to spout.

“Too bad,” said Remus. “You picked that form, and you can't crack puns in it.”

Sirius sulked until the movie had started, then he flung himself back onto Remus and squirmed until he was comfortable. Once he was settled, he shifted back into human form and sprawled jubilantly across the werewolf, legs propped on the side of the couch and torso firmly situated on Remus’ lap. “Movie's more fun when I'm not colorblind,” he announced.

Remus sighed and dug his fingers into Sirius' dark hair, and Sirius growled happily. Harry crawled up beside the two and curled up next to Remus, intently watching two princesses talk in shrill voices to each other.

It took about thirty minutes, but Harry leaned farther and farther over until he was halfway in Remus' lap as well, sound asleep. Sirius was watching the cartoon just as aptly as Harry had been, and Remus watched him.

“Oh,” said Sirius when he realized Harry had fallen asleep. “Listen to that, he snores as loudly as James.” He grinned up at Remus.

Remus reached for the remote and turned the TV off, and Sirius pouted when the main character, a princess with bright purple hair, vanished. “I was watching that.”

“You know, for an Animagus with a dog form, you act very...cat-like sometimes,” Remus observed, changing the subject quite easily. Sirius' mouth fell open in affront, but he did nothing to stop Remus from carding his fingers through his hair again. In fact, he practically purred, doing the opposite of disproving the opinion.

“Shameless,” Remus sighed. Sirius snapped playfully at his fingers.  “Did they say when they're getting back?” Remus asked him.

“Hmm, I dunno. They said dinner and something something else.”  Sirius screeched angrily when Remus suddenly shoved him off his lap and onto the floor. “What the fuck?”

Remus smirked at him. “Nothing. I'm just going to put Harry in his bed.”

“You're an asshole,” Sirius said. “Cruelty. We were totally going to have a moment there.”

Remus' lips folded up. “Sure.” He carefully picked up Harry and carried the toddler into the next room over. Harry muttered something that Sirius couldn't catch, but Remus shushed him and vanished out of sight. He came back a minute later, dropping back to the couch.

Sirius pouted extravagantly at him, still sprawled on the floor, until Remus scoffed at him and patted his leg invitingly. Sulkily, Sirius climbed to his feet and threw himself across the werewolf's lap again, face-down this time.

“Mean,” he mumbled into Remus' knee.

“Hmm.” Remus cautiously dug his fingers into the thick black hair again, and Sirius immediately forgave him, going boneless.

“You're the worst,” he said. “But the best at head massages.”

Remus hummed and scratched his scalp.

“Hey,” said Sirius after a few minutes. “I was thinking about something.”

“Should I be scared?” Remus quipped. 

Sirius elbowed him, but hid a smile in Remus’ leg. “Asshole. Shut up. I was thinking about all of these different stupid jobs you're having to apply for just because they're idiots and refuse you as soon as they hear ‘werewolf.’”

Remus hummed. “Yeah. Regular occurrence.”

“It's fucking ridiculous,” Sirius snarled abruptly, hating the resigned tone in the other's voice. “It's wrong.”

“It's life,” Remus corrected. “It's just the way things are right now.”

Sirius growled, muffled against Remus’ jeans. “They're idiots. Anyway. I was thinking about something else...where you wouldn't need to apply for a job. You'd just have one. No drugs, even.”

“That doesn't sound skeevy at all,” Remus said, deep amusement coloring his voice.

“It's not!” Sirius insisted. “I mean…well, I already talked to James and he's interested. I dunno about Lily but I think she'd like it. What it is…”  He squirmed abruptly, twisting in Remus’ lap and managing to get on his back instead, staring up at Remus. “...we should start a business.”

“A business?” Remus laughed despite himself. “What kind of business?”

Sirius shrugged. “I hadn't gotten that far yet. Just something we could all work on. I don't really like my job that much, I'd quit if I could work with you. And doing something that people need, something in high demand.”

“I like chocolate,” Remus offered, combing his fingers through Sirius’ hair again.

Sirius jabbed a finger at him. “Excellent fucking idea. See, we could make chocolate and sell it? Open a bakery? A…a whatever you call a chocolate store. I dunno. We'd just need the permits for business and shit, and Lily can get those easily. James can do boring tax stuff, he likes that. You can do whatever you want, you're good at everything.”

Remus couldn't believe he was actually thinking about this. “I don't know,” he mused. “I've never thought of anything like this before. What would you do?”

Sirius winked. “I'll be the hot salesperson bringing people in.”

Remus shoved at him again and Sirius shrieked and grabbed his shirt. “No pushing me off,” Sirius insisted.

“Fine, okay.” Remus thought for a little while. All of those applications and phone calls and interviews that never led anywhere... “I don't know. I'll need to think about it. If you really want to do this, we need to talk to James and Lily some more. Get a good idea of what we can do.”

Sirius beamed. “You're considering it.”

“I am,” Remus agreed.

“Great. Good. Excellent.” Sirius squirmed and grinned even more widely, if that was possible. “Now quick, before they get home, have sex on the couch with me.”

“No!” exclaimed Remus, laughing suddenly. “Harry just went to sleep.”

Sirius pouted at him. “So if it wasn't for Harry, then you'd do it.”

“No,” Remus insisted. “It's not our house.”

“Lies,” accused Sirius. “We've had sex on their furniture before. Multiple times. Multiple times in one day.”

“Shh, you'll wake Harry up,” Remus scolded.

“Make me,” Sirius fired back.

Remus did.

(They still didn't have sex on the couch.)


End file.
